


Sleeping Over

by toyhto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First Kiss, First War with Voldemort, Getting Together, Lie Low At Lupin's, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 19:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6767044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It's not about who cleans the bathroom and who makes coffee, it's about everything else.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleeping Over

**Author's Note:**

> _Pinjami_ did the betaing for me, thank you so much! Don't blame her, though, there were a few very good pieces of advice that I chose to ignore ;)
> 
> I've got a thing for Sirius, Remus and _sleeping over_. So, here we go.

_Oh.  
  
_

Remus inhales deeply. _Shit._ It’s not like this is the first time he’s sleeping over. _Get it together, now.  
  
_ There have been nights. It has happened plenty of times that all four of them have stayed for the night. Usually it’s been because they have been drinking in one pub or another and figured out at two a.m. that _shit, Pads has his place in Diagon Alley, why wouldn’t we just stay there instead of drunk-Apparating,_ which to be honest usually ends up badly anyway. And, lately, there have been a few nights when there’s been a meeting of Order’s business, and that’s kind of stuff that makes you want to walk to your friend’s surprisingly comfortable sofa and just fall over. To be precise, Remus is the one who appreciates the sofa most, but hell, he’s also the one who hasn’t got anyone to go to.  
  
‘Anyone else, that is,’ Sirius has said once or twice when he’s pointed that out aloud.  
  
So, it’s really nothing to get weird about. He has done this before. He has even slept in Sirius’s _bed_ once. Of course, he _had to_ because Lily was with them and there just wasn’t enough space in the living room. But the point still stands. Remus Lupin has absolutely no reason to get all weird about this.  
  
‘Oh, just get over it,’ Sirius’ voice cuts through his wondering thoughts. ‘You’ve slept in my fucking _bed,_ for heaven’s sake.’  
  
‘Yeah, I know,’ Remus says and aims for a confident roll of eyes but somehow that doesn’t come quite naturally.  
  
Sirius eyes him suspiciously but, and here’s the thing, he looks nervous, too. He has opened his third bottle of beer and he _never_ drinks when it’s only the two of them, unless there’s something weird going on.  
  
‘Really, Moony,’ Sirius says with an _edge_ in his voice, ‘I thought we talked this over. It’s a – ‘  
  
‘ – practical thing,’ Remus sighs, ‘for me to move in, because I need a place and you need… a flatmate. Kind of.’  
  
‘I do.’  
  
‘But I don’t pay rent.’  
  
‘You will when you get a job.’  
  
‘I won’t, no one’s going to hire a – ‘  
  
‘Shut up,’ Sirius says with a deep sigh, ‘I don’t really care if you pay rent or not. It’s just what you tell yourself. Pretty much the same when you tell yourself you’re not going to get a job because of being a werewolf.’  
  
‘But,’ Remus says slowly. He can feel Sirius staring at him but he can’t manage to look him into eyes right now. He keeps his glance firmly on the mug of tea he’s holding with two hands. ‘ _But._ Pads, _why_ am I here?’  
  
Sirius frowns, Remus can _feel_ it. He takes a deep breath. _S_ _hit, Remus Lupin, you have been through worse than this. Man up, you git._ He bites his teeth and rises his glance to meet Sirius’ eyes.  
  
‘Wouldn’t you,’ Sirius says in a tone that’s hesitating and tired, ‘wouldn’t you just drop it, Moony, _please,_ for tonight at least? Let’s go sleep. We can… we can figure it out later.’  
  
Remus wants to say something but there’s really nothing he can say.  
  
He sleeps on the sofa, of course. Everything is fine. Everything is like it’s supposed to be. It’s only that he thinks he can hear Sirius _breathing_ through the walls. It takes him three hours to finally fall asleep.  
  
**  
  
When Remus wakes up, he thinks it’s maybe a bit easier now.  
  
And then he finds out that it really isn’t.  
  
He doesn’t have a hangover that would explain why he’s been sleeping on Sirius’ sofa. James and Peter aren’t here, there wasn’t an Order meeting yesterday and he would have been very well able to Apparate to his own home. There’s a backpack in the doorway, one that Remus might have left there on purpose, not daring to unpack it just yet. It sits there and stares at him and says, loudly, _Remus Lupin, you’ve moved in with Sirius Black.  
  
It’s not like that_ , Remus wants to say. _It never is._  
  
_Tell yourself whatever you wish_ , says the backpack, _but I know you aren’t going to take that toothbrush back home.  
  
_ ‘Remus?’  
  
Remus blinks and turns around to face Sirius, who’s leaning against the door frame with nothing but his pants on. It’s not weird. It’s not. It’s really not weird.  
  
_Shit._ It’s definitely weird.  
  
‘Good morning,’ Remus says.  
  
‘Morning,’ Sirius says in a reply, shifting self-consciously. ‘Did you… sleep well?’  
  
‘Yes, I did. Thank you.’  
  
‘Should I make you breakfast?’ Sirius asks, and Remus wants to punch him.  
  
‘No, of course not,’ he says instead, shaking his head violently. ‘I’m your friend, not your… your… You aren’t supposed to _make me breakfast_. I can make my own toasts.’  
  
‘Okay,’ Sirius says, slowly. ‘So, can you make me one, too, when you’re at it?’  
  
Remus hears himself letting a deep breath out of his lungs. Sirius finally puts a T-shirt on and then comes to the kitchen, passing him by maybe a little further away than he usually would, but he can’t be sure. It might be just him imagining things again. He feels rather uncomfortable and stupid and a little embarrassed.  
  
_You’re making it weird again_ , he sighs silently. _Stop it. Now._  
  
‘Moony,’ Sirius says a few minutes later, his mouth full of toast Remus made him, ‘I don’t really have them, you know, my… my… whatever it was that you didn’t feel like saying out aloud.’  
  
‘Oh,’ Remus says, and then, ‘never?’  
  
Sirius grins at him. ‘Well, not _never_ , but, you know, it’s not my thing, hitting on random people I happen to meet and bringing them back here for the night.’  
  
Remus sighed impatiently. ‘Pads, I really didn’t mean you would – ‘  
  
‘No,’ Sirius interrupts him and suddenly his voice sounds somewhat more hoarse. ‘I mean, it’s not my thing. _Any of it._ I’m not bringing anyone for the night. It’s… it’s just you, Moony.’  
  
Remus can’t really take it just now. He takes a bite on his toast and ends up coughing for what seems like a miraculously long amount of time, because now he can just excuse himself from the conversation and go to the toilet and stay there.  
  
When he’s done with coughing he stares at himself in the mirror, trying not to wonder if he _did_ hear what he thought he did. Then he realises Sirius didn’t come after him.  
  
He finally goes back and Sirius is still sitting by the kitchen table, unwilling to look him in the eyes.  
  
So, it’s definitely weird.  
  
**  
  
‘So, how are things going with you two?’ Lily asks and Remus feels Sirius shifting uncomfortably next to him.  
  
‘Fine, thank you,’ Remus smiles at her, ‘same as always, I suppose.’  
  
‘I meant the thing with you two living together now,’ Lily goes on, oblivious to the sheer torture she’s putting Remus through – or both of them, actually, considering how intensively Sirius has begun rubbing his left earlobe. ‘Of course, you lived in the same dorm for years in Hogwarts, but surely that’s different. He must drive you mad, Remus.’  
  
‘He does,’ Remus says with a smile. ‘And how are things in your new place? Did you find curtains for the kitchen yet?’  
  
He’s being so obvious, really, but James just grunts and Lily rolls his eyes and Peter goes for another beer. Lily begins to talk about the curtains and James acts like he’s _so not interested in decorating their new home_ even though they all know the truth. Sirius lets out a barely audible sigh and Remus thinks he should probably drink one more beer. It’s great when your friends visit, it’s nice to spend time together and it’s especially nice not to be alone with Sirius.  
  
Actually, that’s not the case. He _likes_ to be alone with Sirius, it’s only that being alone with Sirius has been getting onto his nerves lately. He wants to tell himself that’s a normal thing when two friends have moved into the same tiny apartment and are trying to figure out all the details of living as flatmates, but he rather knows that’s not the case here. It’s not about who cleans the bathroom and who makes coffee, it’s about _everything else.  
  
_ And by everything else Remus means that really, there’s been a lot of _staring_ , and also _not._ They seem to throw glances at each other when they aren’t supposed to, and when they really should, like in the breakfast this morning, they don’t look at each other at all.  
  
Remus doesn’t know what to make of it. Also, he doesn’t really want to think about it, but that’s difficult when James is talking about wallpaper and Sirius has carefully placed his far-too-long legs so that they are just about to touch Remus’ and still don’t. And by the way, why the hell did he sit down next to Sirius _again?_  
  
Their friends don’t stay for long that time. Remus is disappointed and also panicking a little. He somehow gets it, too. They are changing. The whole world is changing. It’s their first autumn not being in Hogwarts and they are trying to find a place in a shifting world, stupid as it may sound. They all have so much in their mind: war, of course, and, in his case, a flatmate who’s still sitting on the sofa even though everyone else is gone.  
  
‘So,’ Remus says slowly, ‘maybe we should sleep.’  
  
Sirius looks uncomfortable. It’s rather upsetting, seeing Sirius Black uncomfortable.  
  
‘I suppose it’s going to rain tomorrow,’ Remus says.  
  
‘ _Shit,’_ Sirius barks and stands up. ‘ _It’s going to rain?_ Really?’  
  
‘There are clouds,’ Remus mumbles.  
  
Sirius glares at him. ‘Moony, you git, you fucking – ‘ and suddenly he sighs and shakes his head. ‘I’m tired. I’m just… going to go to sleep now.’  
  
‘Good night,’ Remus says after a few seconds to Sirius’ bathroom door that’s already been shut, and he’s not sure if he can hear Sirius answering or not.  
  
**  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Sirius says next morning, hovering over Remus’ sofa, clearly unable to let him sleep. ‘I’m sorry, Moony. I got angry. I didn’t mean that.’  
  
‘I know,’ Remus mutters, half asleep. ‘It’s nothing.’  
  
‘ _Bloody hell,’_ Sirius says in a reply, _‘nothing_ , he says.’ And then he stumbles to the kitchen and Remus keeps his eyes tightly shut, wondering whether he prefers trying to get back to sleep with Sirius making all that noise with coffee mugs or following him to the kitchen and asking what’s wrong.  
  
**  
  
Remus has been waiting for it, he _knows_ he has, even though he has rather tried to tell himself he isn’t. And when it happens one very ordinary Sunday evening, he’s a bit surprised anyway and more than a little frightened.  
  
‘ _Sleep over?_ ’ he repeats slowly, staring at Sirius who’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and messing with his hair. ‘Pads, I _live_ with you now. I sleep here every night.’  
  
‘Not like that,’ Sirius says in a voice that’s barely more than a whisper. He’s a bit drunk so there’s a slight chance Remus might get away pretending he couldn’t make sense of Sirius’ drunken mumbling. It’s too bad he’s almost panicking now and he’s always been crap at pretending when panicking.  
  
‘Sirius,’ he says, sitting onto the floor in front of him, even though it takes all his courage not to flee to the bathroom and lock the door.  
  
‘ _Remus_ ,’ Sirius says, exhaling. ‘ _Moony._ I just… don’t you want to? It’s bullshit that you’re sleeping on the couch, it’s uncomfortable, your feet don’t fit, my bed is big, you could easily…’  
  
‘I couldn’t.’  
  
‘I thought we’d die,’ Sirius breathes out.  
  
Remus freezes. _Yes_. He also thought they would. He doesn’t think he actually managed to curse anyone, and he’s not too sure he even tried to. It feels like the most he did was trying to keep himself from being killed. Afterwards Moody patted his back roughly and said something about being done with his first time now, and _Merlin help us for all the other times that shall come_. That’s when Remus threw up.  
  
They were home before nine, and now it’s past midnight and they are still sitting on the floor. Sirius has been drinking beer _so fucking slowly_ it makes Remus feel something’s awfully wrong, and Remus has mainly been sitting there, watching Sirius and thinking _thank God we’re alive.  
  
_ So if Sirius wants him to _sleep over_ tonight, he can’t say he’s surprised about his choice of timing.  
  
‘Me, too,’ he sighs, closing his eyes. He can still feel Sirius watching him, but panic has rather worn out.  
  
‘Why don’t you?’ Sirius asks then, and he knows what Sirius means even though he doesn’t want to.  
  
‘’Cause it’s weird,’ he says. _Fuck it_ , he’s awfully tired, Sirius is a mess, they almost died today and he can surely bear a little bit of talking about this tonight.  
  
‘It’s not.’  
  
‘Yes, it is. Pads, _please_.’  
  
‘I promise I won’t touch you,’ Sirius says, heavily, and for some reason him saying that seems to break Remus’ heart a little.  
  
‘ _Pads._ ’  
  
‘I promise. Even my toes. Even my toes won’t touch you.’  
  
Sirius’ lips curve into a wavering smile. Remus takes a deep breath. ‘It’s not… _shit._ Pads, I can take your toes touching me.’  
  
‘You think so?’ Sirius asks, perhaps mocking, perhaps not, Remus isn’t sure.  
  
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘But it’s only for tonight. Because we are probably still in shock and it would be unwise to sleep alone.’  
  
Sirius snorts, but Remus can’t bear to look at him anymore. He stands up and isn’t particularly surprised to find out that his legs are shaking a little.  
  
‘Moony,’ Sirius says somewhat warmly, ‘you _stupid git._ ’  
  
At first, Sirius’ toes won’t touch him. Remus lies on the edge of Sirius’ bed trying very hard not to move, staring at the ceiling, and Sirius keeps his stupid promise and keeps his toes in his own side of the bed. After a few minutes Sirius is asleep, and just when Remus begins to relax a little, Sirius’ knee touches his thigh. He holds his breath. Sirius mumbles something about _grass, so green, go rabbit go_ , and Remus closes his eyes already knowing he rather likes the way Sirius shifts a little and presses his toes against Remus’ legs.  
  
**  
  
It’s definitely weird, waking up next to Sirius Black.  
  
And also rather good. But that’s something he’s not going to put into thoughts just yet.  
  
‘It’s not like you haven’t slept in my bed before,’ Sirius says over his mug of coffee, eyeing him carefully.  
  
‘Yeah,’ Remus says, and then, because he feels the need to be honest, ‘but not like that, Pads. Not when we’re _alone_.’  
  
Sirius rubs his earlobe. ‘I didn’t think you’d bring that up. I was kind of trying to make it easier for you, Moony.’  
  
‘I’m fine. It was only that one time.’  
  
It isn’t, though. And he _knows_ that he knows that.  
  
That evening there hasn’t been a battle, they haven’t almost died, there’s been no alcohol and no _nothing_ and still Remus finds himself standing in the middle of the living room, shifting uncomfortably as Sirius fills his mug with water before getting to bed.  
  
‘Pads.’  
  
‘Yeah?’ Sirius asks.  
  
Remus very much wants to punch him in the face and to sleep next to him.  
  
‘Nothing’, he says, flushed, and Sirius shrugs, the bastard.  
  
Then Sirius takes a step towards his bedroom.  
  
‘ _Please_.’  
  
Sirius stops and smiles at him. ‘Come on, you. Don’t just stand there, get to bed.’  
  
**  
  
‘So,’ Sirius says in the morning, leaning against his elbow, looking at Remus who’s _lying in his bed._  
  
‘Don’t you dare to speak about this,’ Remus mutters through his gritted teeth, ‘I’m not ready, I can’t handle it, I just can’t.’  
  
‘ _So._ ’  
  
‘Pads, you fucking – ‘  
  
He inhales sharply.  
  
Sirius places his fingers onto his bare shoulder.  
  
‘Okay,’ he says, and Remus thinks he sounds like he’s a bit out of breath, ‘ _okay, then._ We won’t speak. For now. But… let me… let me just…”  
  
Remus closes his eyes. Sirius is slowly running his fingers up on his neck, feeling the soft skin behind his ears, rubbing gently the skin on the side of his head. Remus doesn’t think he’s breathing anymore.  
  
‘Coffee,’ Sirius says suddenly with a husky tone in his voice, then clears his throat and climbs quickly off the bed, ‘got to get coffee.’  
  
And he’s gone.  
  
Remus inhales deeply.  
  
When he finally goes to the kitchen, Sirius is sitting there, glaring at his mug of coffee with a frown on his face. Remus ignores it, because somehow he can still feel Sirius touching him ever so lightly on his collarbone and on his neck and he just can’t _bear it_. He pours himself coffee.  
  
‘Moony,’ Sirius starts, when he’s wondering whether he is supposed to sit in the kitchen or if it’s better if he goes to sit on the sofa, ‘are you angry?’  
  
‘No,’ he says flatly, ‘of course not. Don’t be stupid.’  
  
‘Good.’  
  
‘It’s just that… it’s…’  
  
‘ _Yes_ ,’ Sirius says with a deep exhale, ‘I know.’  
  
**  
  
‘So, still no girlfriends?’ Lily asks, smiling at Remus over the bar table.  
  
Remus finds himself laughing out aloud.  
  
‘For heaven’s sake, Evans,’ Sirius says, rolling his eyes, a broad grin on his face but his shoulders a bit too tense, ‘think a little what you say! What exactly would I do then? Make my own coffee? Moony’s not allowed to have a girlfriend and he knows it.’  
  
Lily laughs. Remus swallows and falls silent for at least fifteen minutes.  
  
**  
  
‘Sorry,’ Sirius says as his knee touches just slightly Remus’ back, ‘sorry. Can’t sleep.’  
  
‘It’s fine,’ Remus says, and then there’s elbow on his shoulder, and toes on his leg. ‘Why can’t you sleep?’  
  
‘I’m trying not to accidentally touch you,’ Sirius mutters through his teeth. ‘It takes a lot of energy. It’s difficult to fall asleep when you’re thinking that _oh my God my toes are cold and I might put them against Remus’ skin the second I fall asleep.’_  
  
Remus sighs. ‘It’s okay, Padfoot, really. Your toes can touch me. I don’t mind.’  
  
There’s a silence that’s a bit too long. ‘Really?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘They are actually warming up as we speak.’  
  
‘Good. I can’t wait for you to fall asleep and poke me with them.’  
  
‘Me neither,’ Sirius says, yawning. ‘Good night, Moony.’  
  
‘Night, Pads.’  
  
Sirius’ toes are still quite cold, though.  
  
**  
  
Remus wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. He went to get milk, because really, if there’s no milk in the evening then there’s no milk in the morning, and if there’s no milk in the morning then there’s no coffee, and who can wake up with no coffee? When he comes back, he finds himself standing still, his hand on the doorknob, ready to call out that _hi guys, I’m home_ , but then he hears James and Sirius talking quietly in the kitchen.  
  
‘But really,’ James is saying, his voice clearly worried, ‘it’s been ages, Pads, I know it’s difficult with the war and everything but… don’t you miss someone?’  
  
‘Prongs, you really don’t have to worry about that,’ Sirius says solemnly but there’s maybe a sad edge in his voice.  
  
‘Let Lily and me set you up with someone,’ James says, and Remus can _hear_ his fake smile. ‘Please. Lily has this one friend who’s really nice and sharp, I think you’d be great together – ‘  
  
‘ _Stop it_.’  
  
Remus takes a deep breath. He definitely should make a voice and let them know he’s back.  
  
‘Are you sure?’ James says now. Pretended cheerfulness is gone, thank God, but he sounds so _sad_ now. Remus swallows. ‘You don’t… want a girlfriend?’  
  
There’s a pause. Remus imagines Sirius looking at James, sharp glance in his eyes, perhaps shaking his head a little, and he doesn’t know if he’s more happy or terrified.  
  
‘So,’ James says with a hesitant voice, not terrified or even particularly surprised but somehow… worried, ‘it’s you, you and him – ‘  
  
‘No,’ Sirius says, ‘or yes, _shit,_ I don’t _know_ , Prongs, I mean… I mean, it’s nothing yet, but… _But._ ’  
  
_Yes_ , Remus thinks, _but._ _Nicely put, Pads.  
  
_ ‘Does he know?’ James asks, and suddenly Remus can’t take it anymore. He slams the door shut, a bit more loudly than is necessary but it surely does the trick, and right after he shouts that he’s home, he brought milk and _next time it’s your turn, Pads, you lazy tosser_.  
  
He feels a bit light in the head when he walks to the kitchen, but not entirely in a bad way. Sirius and James are both quite white on the face and don’t really look at him. He thinks Sirius looks rather happy, though.  
  
‘So,’ he asks, ‘what were you talking about? Curtains again?’  
  
James coughs. There’s a hesitant smile on Sirius’ lips.  
  
‘Yes,’ Sirius says with an emphasis, ‘curtains. But I think Prongs is done with the topic by now.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ James says, ‘sure. Moony, would you mind if I… if I get back home? I have to… process. _Curtains_. You know.’  
  
‘Yes,’ Remus says, merciless, ‘that’s a big decision in man’s life. Red or purple. Flowers or leaves.’  
  
‘You know how seriously Prongs takes this stuff,’ Sirius says with a considering look on his face.  
  
‘He’d better,’ Remus says, ‘that being such a difficult decision and all.’  
  
When James leaves, he looks more than a little confused, and Remus feels happy about that. Maybe it’s a tiny little revenge. James told Sirius to date a girl, after all. Then he turns around and sees how Sirius is looking at him from across the table, and there’s this nervous feeling in his stomach.  
  
‘You heard us,’ Sirius says.  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘So.’  
  
‘So,’ Remus says. His hands are shaking a little as he makes himself a mug of hot cinnamon tea. He also knows that he _could_ ask Sirius not to talk about it. He did last time and Sirius listened.  
  
‘No girlfriends,’ Sirius says, quietly. ‘Just you and me.’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘ _Moony_. You know you don’t have to – ‘  
  
‘Me, too,’ Remus says, taking a sip out of his tea. ‘No girlfriends. Just you. You know that, Pads.’  
  
Sirius exhales deeply. ‘ _Fuck_. Moony, that’s… that’s…’  
  
‘I hope James can’t sleep tonight,’ Remus says and feels immediately a little disappointed of himself, because he didn’t have the guts to wait for what Sirius was going to say. ‘I can’t believe he told you to get a girlfriend.’  
  
‘Oh,’ Sirius breathes out, ‘you’re jealous.’  
  
‘Shut up.’  
  
‘He didn’t know, Moony. But I think he knows now.’  
  
‘ _I’m_ going to lie awake tonight,’ Remus mutters to his tea, looking away from Sirius who’s now staring at him so _warmly._ It’s weird. It’s so weird that somehow it’s almost normal. It’s just how they are.  
  
‘I’ll keep you company,’ Sirius says. ‘I promise. Even if I fall asleep my cold toes will.’  
  
‘And thank you very much for that,’ Remus says but can’t help himself grinning.  
  
Sirius grins back, and after five minutes they go to bed.  
  
**  
  
‘Moony? _Moony?_ Did you faint? You’ve been there for _ages._ ’  
  
Remus inhales deeply but can’t make himself answer. Sirius wouldn’t hear him, anyway, because his voice is hoarse and cracking and he’s so tired he can’t even form sentences. It’s like the full moon has sucked everything out of him and all he wants to do now is to stand there, in the shower, trying to wash away something he knows he can’t but keeps trying anyway.  
  
‘Moony, are you _dead?’  
  
_ Remus considers answering. He really should, Sirius sounds like he’s panicking a little and that’s never a good thing and -  
  
And there’s a loud bang, and Sirius Black has made their bathroom door explode. Remus _knew_ he shouldn’t have used the locking charm, but Sirius has an annoying habit of _definitely having to pee right now_ always when Remus is in the shower, and he just didn’t feel like getting interrupted today. It’s the morning after the full moon, for heaven’s sake. He’s a mess.  
  
But now Sirius stands there, and the water is still flowing, and Remus is staring, and Sirius is staring back, and something is said about _fuck, Moony, why didn’t you answer me_ , but Remus can’t find any _words_ , and seconds go by.  
  
‘ _Shit,_ Moony,’ Sirius says with a different kind of an urge in his voice, ‘sorry, I didn’t, I didn’t mean… I…’  
  
‘Sirius,’ Remus says, hoarse and barely audible, ‘you’ve seen me naked before, could you just – ‘  
  
‘But _Moony,_ ’ Sirius barks, and Remus thinks distantly _yes,_ he has known this for a long time. There’s no need to get upset about Sirius Black standing in front of him with a hard-on, unable to move, staring at him when he’s naked in the shower. It’s probably a good thing he’s so tired.  
  
He’s blushing hard, though, and so is Sirius.  
  
‘I’ll be out in a second,’ he manages to say, shifting as Sirius is eyeing him from heel to toes, ‘I’m just… just… tired, you know, full moon and…’  
  
‘It’s okay,’ Sirius says with a weirdly thin voice, ‘don’t worry about it.’  
  
Sirius blinks his eyes. Remus waits. There’s not much he can do, anyway.  
  
‘Sorry,’ Sirius mutters, gets himself together _finally_ and leaves.  
  
Remus closes his eyes. He’s getting hard too and he’s far too tired to feel awkward about it. It’s weird. He knows it. Sirius knows it. It’s just what it is.  
  
**  
  
It’s not a common thing to seriously consider if you are going to live through the day, or, say, next fifteen minutes, not even now, when there’s the war going on and all that. Mainly it’s only something you _know_ all the time but you don’t really _think about_ , or something that comes up when you’ve had your third beer or when you read from the Daily Prophet that someone you know is dead. You can still get upset about running out of milk or your stupid annoying git of a flatmate not bothering to wash dishes like, _ever._  
  
But this has been one of few nights when Remus really wonders if he’s going to die _now, here._  
  
He doesn’t. But he’s still upset, maybe more upset than he’s ever been, shaking through and through, unable to get his shoes off. Sirius doesn’t bother, just walks right to the kitchen and goes for the bottle of firewishkey they keep for emergencies. Remus breaks one shoe and leaves the other on and follows him.  
  
‘Say something,’ Sirius says, holding a bottle in his hands that are surprisingly steady, ‘anything, just… _talk_ , Moony, I need to hear your voice, _anything –_ ‘  
  
‘Kiss me,’ Remus says.  
  
Sirius drops silent, staring at him, his mouth partly opened.  
  
’ _Now?’_ he asks.  
  
Remus nods.  
  
‘ _Fuck_ ,’ Sirius mutters, rising the bottle up to his lips and then putting it down so quickly Remus thinks it might fall over, and then he’s there, right in front of him, and Remus doesn’t know where to look or where to touch. Sirius takes a firm grip on him, both of his hands cupping Remus’ face, and kisses him.  
  
Remus closes his eyes. So, now it happens. Now it happens. It’s weird like he thought it would be, he’s too sober for this, but hell he wanted to be sober for this if this was ever going to happen, and it _is,_ it’s happening _right now_. Sirius is clinging onto him like he’s afraid to let go, and Remus can’t really breathe, and Sirius tastes like firewhiskey and blood, and Remus feels a bit light in the head -  
  
He leans a bit away and takes a breath. When he opens his eyes, Sirius is looking at him, his grey eyes intense and terrified.  
  
_‘Fuck_ , Moony,’ Sirius says in a voice that’s little more than a whisper, ‘I think I’ve wanted this for _ages_ , and _finally_ , and how could you just _ask me like that_ , you can’t even talk about it – ‘  
  
‘Kiss me again,’ Remus says. He’s kind of smiling, _what the hell_ , they could have died but they didn’t.  
  
**  
  
‘Remus?’ Sirius asks next morning. He looks terrible. He looks like he’s been in a battle and then gone straight to bed without bothering to change his clothes or wash his face.  
  
‘Yes?’ Remus feels like crap but also confusingly happy.  
  
‘Is it something I can do again?’ Sirius asks.  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
**  
  
He doesn’t, though, or not for five whole days at least, and Remus thinks he’s losing his mind, because he always thinks Sirius is going to kiss him _now,_ and then he doesn’t, and Remus blushes and goes to hide in the bathroom.  
  
And when he _does_ , Remus hasn’t been waiting for that. He’s been minding his own business, reading a novel that makes him want to be a painter in America in 1920’s. But it’s not like he minds too much, when Sirius comes over him and touches his jaw and then presses their mouths together.  
  
‘That was weird,’ he says aloud.  
  
‘I can’t do it anymore,’ Sirius mumbles, clearly panicking, ‘I don’t know how, Moony, _help me_ , I’m terrified – ‘  
  
‘Shut up,’ Remus says, takes a firm grip on Sirius’ shoulders and kisses him back.  
  
**  
  
Remus never thought himself to be, whatever it is you want to call it, _a lover,_ or _a partner_ , or _a significant other._ Sirius laughs at that one, but there’s a deep frown on his face and they don’t really talk about it anymore. It doesn’t matter, though. Remus doesn’t need labels, he only needs to be able to kiss that warm neck in the morning and feel those still a little clumsy fingers searching for his skin under the blanket they’re now sharing.  
  
There are other things they don’t talk about. They just happen. One night after full moon Remus is so tired he can’t do _anything_ and Sirius is caressing him and he kind of knows what is happening but still it comes as a surprise. He hears himself cursing and panting and Sirius’ fingers feel so _good_ and it doesn’t take long. He comes on Sirius’ hands and on his own stomach and Sirius kisses his ear and afterwards they drink coffee and everything is fine.  
  
And probably Sirius knows what Remus is doing, when he kisses his neck and then his chest and then his navel, but he doesn’t say anything besides _oh, Moony_ , and Remus doesn’t ask. It’s weird. It’s _definitely_ weird. He’s not even sure if he likes it. He has some difficulties breathing and he’s not sure about techniques and also he’s not sure if he ever though he’d have another man’s cock in his mouth one day. But Sirius is whimpering and moaning and grunting and it’s worth the trouble. He kisses Sirius stomach afterwards and thinks that _shit he’s beautiful_ as he lies on the bed, a mess of arms and legs and black hair and a lazy, absent smile. Later he washes his teeth and thinks that yes, it’s weird, but probably _good weird.  
  
_ ‘You think too much,’ Sirius says now and then.  
  
Remus barely shakes his head, although Sirius probably knows what he’s thinking.  
  
‘Don’t worry about it, Moony,’ Sirius says with a smile, and how odd it is that the nickname he’s had for years now sounds so _different._  
  
He still worries, not often but sometimes. He’s not sure how it works. He reads books but it doesn’t really help. He’s not sure what Sirius knows, or what Sirius expects. Sometimes he’s not even sure if he wants to, and then he thinks that perhaps Sirius doesn’t want to and it makes him feel oddly disappointed, and then Sirius pats him on the shoulder like he _knows.  
  
_ Okay, yes, he thinks about it _a lot. Shit._  
  
And then it happens, and he still worries. Sirius is facing the mattress, his face pushed against the pillow, and Remus finds himself running his fingers through Sirius' hair thinking _oh my God can he breathe,_ and then Sirius moans, and Remus thinks _is he hurt_ and asks it aloud and Sirius tells him to _fucking stop talking already_ and he does, he does because there’s little he can do in this point anyway. It’s incredible. It’s very different than what he thought it would be but it’s incredible. He can feel Sirius shivering underneath him and _around him_ and he’s trying to take it slow, but it’s impossible. When he begins to move it takes, like, three seconds and then he’s placing wet kisses on Sirius neck and almost sobbing and a bit embarrassed but too amazed to care about that.  
  
‘It’s fine,’ Sirius says, almost laughing, when he clings into him twenty-something seconds after, ‘I’m surprised you managed three seconds, I’d guessed _two_ ,’ and Remus kisses him to make him stop talking, and then he kisses his neck, and his hip, and his cock, and he’s really not talking anymore anyway.  
  
‘It’ll be you next time,’ he says when they lie on the bed afterwards, his face pressed into the back of Sirius’ head, to the messy black hair that really needs some showering quite soon.  
  
‘ _Shit,_ Moony, I was already asleep,’ Sirius moans in a reply.  
  
**  
  
‘So, Remus,’ James asks, holding a bottle of beer in his hands.  
  
‘Yes?’  
  
James frowns. ‘Are you… happy?’  
  
_I don’t think I’ll live another year, but besides that,_ Remus thinks, ‘yes, I am.’  
  
**  
  
It gets them, in the end.  
  
Sirius doesn’t really talk or sleep anymore and once or twice Remus wonders if he has a secret. It’s not that he doesn’t trust him, it’s just there’s a war going on, it makes people see crazy things, it makes him wish Sirius told him where he has been and why he didn’t come home last night.  
  
_Fuck_ , he says, silently, _get it together, you trust him, he’s your… your…_  
  
He can’t finish that, though.  
  
Next time he’s home he fucks Sirius on the sofa and it’s uncomfortable and once or twice Sirius groans like he’s in pain, but he doesn’t say anything and Remus clings into his shoulders and closes his eyes and keeps going.  
  
At first he thinks it made him feel a bit better, but it really didn’t.  
  
He lets Sirius fuck him in the shower and afterwards he listens to Sirius making coffee and feels like crying, and the water washes everything away.  
  
And one morning Sirius kisses him on the doorway when he’s leaving, and Remus doesn’t dare to look him in the eyes.  
  
And years go by.  
  
**  
  
**  
  
**  
  
There’s a big black dog behind his door.  
  
The dog changes into a scrawny, weary-looking man, who stands in the living room, refusing to meet Remus’ gaze. Remus doesn’t know what to do, so he makes tea.  
  
They don’t talk much. Remus thinks it’s like there’s been a whole lifetime since they kissed for the last time, and also no time at all. Sirius has aged more than he should have, Remus wonders if he has too. He _feels_ old. He feels like there’s too much weight on his bones, like the life that happened since he lost Sirius is too heavy for him to carry.  
  
‘I wanted to come sooner,’ Sirius says in some point, ‘but I couldn’t.’  
  
‘I know.’  
  
And then, finally, he says something that’s been on his mind for a year now. ‘I’m sorry.’  
  
Sirius sighs, shakes his head a little and lets his messy, unwashed black hair fall down to hide his face. He doesn’t ask _why_ and Remus is happy for that. Maybe some other day they’ll talk about it all, about how he thought Sirius was a traitor and how Sirius thought it was him. It doesn’t really matter, anyway. What matters is the way something inside Remus crumbles when he watches how Sirius takes slowly off his clothes, one by one, climbs to the bath and sighs, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.  
  
He’s not exactly peeking. Sirius left the bathroom door partly open. He wonders what it means.  
  
_Shit_ , he thinks, _get it together, now. Everything has changed. It’s been fourteen years. He’s been in Azkaban and then running away for the whole year. And he never did it, Remus, you git, you should have known that. You should have trusted him. You should have._  
  
‘Don’t’, he hears Sirius saying. Sirius has finished the bath and is now sitting on his armchair, a bottle of beer in his left hand, looking at him carefully. ‘I know what you’re doing, Remus. You’re blaming yourself. Just don’t.’  
  
‘No, I – ‘  
  
‘Or you are feeling sorry for me,’ Sirius says, his voice a bit sharper now, ‘and that’s even worse. I know I look like crap. I don’t want to see it in your face, too.’  
  
‘Sirius – ‘  
  
‘Can’t we just forget it?’ Sirius’ voice has changed, too, it’s lower and huskier. Remus can’t make sense of the years that seem to have gotten lost. ‘For tonight, at least?’  
  
Remus inhales deeply. ‘Yes. Yes, of course we can. Maybe… I think we should just go to sleep. We’re both tired, and… it’s so much. So much for one night. So…’  
  
‘So,’ Sirius says.  
  
‘You sleep in the bed, of course,’ Remus says, ‘I’ll take the sofa.’  
  
He stands up, funny how he’s forgotten where he keeps linen, he can’t seem to find anything, there are pillows and blankets but where is -  
  
_‘Moony’,_ Sirius breathes out.  
  
Remus stops.  
  
‘We can very well sleep in the same bed,’ Sirius says, just a whisper, and everything goes quiet. ‘I promise I won’t touch you.’  
  
‘I don’t need you to promise me that.’  
  
‘Even my toes won’t touch you,’ Sirius says so that Remus barely hears, but his voice is _warm_ , and Remus thinks his knees aren’t working properly.  
  
‘I can take it,’ Remus says, his voice cracking a little. ‘I can take it, Pads.’  
  
‘They might be cold, though.’  
  
‘ _I can take it.’  
  
_ ‘Really?’ Sirius asks, looking Remus in the eyes, and it’s not about toes anymore, and Remus wants to laugh because he’s _frightened,_ he’s terrified just like he was fifteen years ago. ‘You know what I’m asking, don’t you, Moony? _Really?_ After all this time? Even though you thought I killed them?’  
  
‘Kiss me,’ Remus says.  
  
It’s different now.  
  
He can take it, though. He really can.  
  
And Sirius’ toes are cold and the skin on his neck is warm and also full of Remus’ wet kisses rather soon. In the morning he finds himself waking up next to Sirius Black and it’s the weirdest and the best thing he can imagine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Also, I'd be really to hear what you thought ;)


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